I do not know what to think right now. I have not been able to sleep so well not knowing what my future will be like. There ate two people in my life who I am very confused over. One person never told me why he did do much to contact me but never wanted to cone all the way to see me. I miss him very much and do not know what this means. We gave been talking again lately and talked for three and a half hours yesterday. He us doneone I trust with things I can not tell everyone. I am scared to ask not wanting to Lise someone as special as him.

The other person is someone who wanted to catchup with me the beginning of march. He is finally coming home to the bay after being five hundred miles away. We talk about everyday sometimes more than once. I have asked twice to hang out and have no clue answer if it will happen or not. I have a lot of feelings for him and he always puts a smile on my face. I do not know what he thinks of me. Also will only be home for one month and then be gone for five months in Asia. I am unsure of what will happen but he is coming home Friday. I am happy yet unsure of what is going on.

I just want to know what gear two think. I am lonely with no one to show live to. I am a great goal with a great future in mind. I just want to be happy and not confused. Everyone has people to live except me. I am unsure of what to feel or do. I want to know but hate having to be the one to find out. I feel like a guy should be the one to tell me what they think of me. I am so confused and can only get so much advice. One is in a different city far away with a major injury. The other is only going to be here for one month n then leaving got five months. I am really frustrated not knowing what to go. I have mixed feelings and would live to have someone to call my live. Please give me answers. I would rather know than being frustrated. Please let me know!!!

it is hard not to miss you….i have no clue why i thought i would never miss you after getting over the fact that we would never work but it is killing me.  I miss all of our talks and late night convos….i really miss you and do not know how to get over this feeling of never knowing….i am not sure when i can have this talk with you because you are in a totally different city than me with just as busy lifestyle as me….maybe i can see you if i can hook something up for you that you have been asking me for awhile…sorry i just need to ask and see if it can be done…if you come up to the bay you better take me with you to get ur car done….i miss you badly and miss all of our good times even tho we never had a lot of just one on one times….i try not to think about the past but it keeps haunting me…i am afraid to ask you cuz i do not want to lose you…you are someone i can trust with some of my truest secrets….we have built this great trust system and i am afraid by asking you about what happened you wont want to talk to me again….i do not know how to not miss you..it has been a year since everything happened and i trully miss you looking back….

i also miss someone else that is imp in my life…it is hard not having you around because you use to do so much for me…fathers day is coming up and even tho i have a second father figure here i miss you so much…it is not like i can just take one hour to see you cuz you are almost 6000 miles away…i know you are happy but it is hard to not miss you…i miss you each and every day that you are not here…i can not wait for november because you are coming here by urself…i am happy for you but i really do miss you and it really upsets me at sometimes…i try not to think about it but feelings of sadness and lonliness that i do not have you here hurts me…i know that you know that i miss you but you being so far away does not help…i do want to go back to visit you but i am afraid bc i got so sick…i wish you could be here but you cant….whenever june comes around it kills me seeing everyone hanging out with their fathers and all i can do is email you bc it costs too much to send something to you….i wish i could see you more than just once a year but i noe cost wise it is not possible…i am still mad at you but you are my father and it kills me not being able to see you….sometimes i feel lost wo u becing here but what can i do…i can not shed anymore tears over this but sometimes it just gets to me that you are not here and have other things keeping you busy…i wish you were here to spend time with me but you are not…

i really do not get why i get really sad when i miss people…it is a hard feeling of missing someone you can not see….i just want to be happy but when you trully miss someone it is hard to be happy….feelings of loss and lonliness wo that person is really tough on me…all i can do is try to keep myself busy so that i do not miss you…..:((((

man school is almost over except for this one last stupid paper….i could be done already if i did not have to highlight all changes made in my revisions of previous essays…i just want to pass this english class…i need it to graduate and i do not plan on taking it over again…i pray to god that i can pass just give me a c and i will be all good….one last essay and i am done…only thing it is on a subject that i have never really thought about but i will get it done somehow before later today at seven pm…then HELLO SUMMERRRRRR!!!!

there are certain people that i would like closure, answers and be agressive with someone new….how can you just stop being so aggressive and not explain why…i hate how you lead me on and did not even explain what it was that you felt about me..i know for a fact that you felt something otherwise you would not have did so much to talk to me…i am afraid to ask but i want closure yet i do not want to lose you as a friend..what to do i am so confused…you are such a great friend and i pray that we can still remain friends…you are someone  who i treasure because we trust each other to keep secrets and are there for eachother when we need support or advice….to number two…you screwed it up and ruined our chances…i am trying to start to talk to you again cuz i am trying to hint that i still want to see if we can talk and see what happened…i am so nervous to ask to meet up but it needs to happen because i really want to know what happened…there was obviously a connetion but then again do not know what happened…to number three…omg you make me smile so much…i like you a lot but i am afraid to tell you how i feel…you are coming home soon and i only have a month to hang out but start working right around the time you come home..we will have weekends i just hope you want to hang out with me…i am so nervous i do not want to get hurt yet again by stupid boys who think they can just lead a girl on and break their heart…you are such a sweetheart and are already someone i can tell anything to…i just want a sign that you are worth my time…..i really like you but i am worried cuz u will only be home for a month and then head off to study abroad for five and a half months..i pray that it works because u r someone i could see being with…

i just hope that everything goes well….i need to get good grades in all of my classes so that my gpa can boost up even more…it has been going up slowly but i need to boost it up as much as possible since i am graduating in december…i am jealous but am happy for those who are graduating…..i just hope things go my way because i deserve the best i have been hurt way too many times and i would just like to have someone tell me their true feelings about me…please and thank you m goi doh jeh!!!!

Omgggggg I hate being injured. It is really hard trying to nurse an injury with only three weeks to finals.

I got a brace but am still in a lot of pain especially today. I am so mad that I am injured. My grandparents come tomorrow and the luau party is Saturday. My mom only makes it worse when she is like well I guess you can’t really help me I’m like man I didn’t mean to get injured and she doesn’t realize how much pain I am still in. I feel bad but all I cab do is rest my leg hold my head up high and pray for a fast recovery.

I never knew it would take an injury for everyone and their moms to be concerned. I got Roomies worried random guys opening doors for me and teachers and site managers being so understanding. It was cute at work all the kids and teachers are like oh no what happened.

I do not want to be in pain. I couldnt have asked for a better support system. I always look forward to that special person to talk to who makes me laugh and smile. You are so confusing I hate being lead on. I am hoping when you come home we can hang out and clear the air. I hate putting in so much effort and always getting hurt in the end. Please give me a sign. I love talking to you for we can tell each other anything.

Please let me have a fast recovery. I know it will take time and a lot of effort to get my leg up to par.

Ouchhhhhhhhhhh. I do not know what I did but whole right leg had been in massive pain with shooting pains. I waited for a doctor who told me to do rice technique and got crutches. I am tired of being in pain. Three more days and I can see a sports doctor. I pray that I can get better asap.

I have an interview tomorrow I am nervous to walk in limping. Oh well.

Thank you to everyone who is so concerned. It is great to know I have such great friends and family there for me. I couldn’t ask for a greater support system.

I just hold by head up high deal with the pain and pray for a fast recovery. please let me bit be in pain anymore. I know it will take awhile to get totally free of pain. Thanks to those who have been there to keep me company resting in bed. I live when you can put a smile on my face!!!

3333.

Thank you to those who are concerned about me….so sunday night was a little sore from walking around at cherry blossom festival but didnt think of it as anything….then monday morning went to class and worked out like usual…came home and started feeling really sore on my right leg…it only got worse…..my right thigh all the way down to my ankle is in intense pain…i have no freaking clue what i did to it but everytime i get up or try to walk on it it makes the pain worse…..wanted to go to health center yesterday but they had no power due to a campus power outage…went today they didnt have a freaking doctor so im like fml….going back tomorrow i just want to know what is wrong with me…all i can do is take advil, rest, elevate it and massage it…i took a nap n woke up n felt worse….ahhhh

I NEED A FREAKING MIRACLE!!!!

I felt so bad telling work that i couldnt make it today…and couldnt kickbox either so sad that is my favorite class and it was cancelled last week…in so much pain it sux…two people told me to go the hospital but all i want is a freaking doctor…just gotta deal with more pain until ten am tomorrow morning….i pray they cfan tell me what is wrong…i honestly think that all i need is to be stretched out by a professional….i am so worried because the pain is the worse around my knee…my dads mom has bad knees and i have her knees and she has had two knee replacements…so worried but all i can do is sit here with leg elevated and just wait….i am so much pain dont know what to do…so bored stuck in my room unmotivated to do any work…

please god let me get better…it is very hard to walk to school and limp around i feel like everyone is staring at me wondering y i am limping around…please please give me a miracle i can not bear this pain anymore…it is probably one of the wort pains i have gone through….all i can do is hold my head up and pray and wait for that special someone to make my day better…please let me get better!!!!

How do you stay motivated when you are stressed out to the max…love how teachers love to pile on assignments all at the same time…..

homework due this week….

monday- 4 page essay, book discussion questions

tuesday-weekly quiz, rough draft of research paper„„we tried to meet as a group but it failed so probably have to do it day before it is due and it has to look like the final product AI YAAA,two page assignment due for comm class

thursday-rough draft of next essay for english class

need to also make my resume for an interview on saturday

four weeks to finals is so stressfull….do or die time….i need to do well in all my classes because i can not afford to retake any classes since i am gradating in the fall and need my gpa to boost up…

what keeps you motivated?????

need to plan more outings but just hard when you have a full load of school, work and family stuff to deal with….

talking to that special person that always puts a smile on my face….waiting for you is really hard but learning to be patient…hard to know what you think but more and more hints are being dropped….i love talking to you because no matter if im having a horrible day you know how to turn my frown upside down to a smile!!!!

working out constantly

catching up on lots of LOST sleep

These next four weeks are going to be hell but time to finish strong and then no more eight am days i hope…..life is stressful at times but all you can do is keep going, hold your head up high, enjoy fun times with loved ones, pray and know that sooner or later i will be done and can relax for once!!!!!

had the best time with the changs and ate such good filipino food….was thanked for my help at ricky’s but was told to chill out for a bit because they are working a lot on changing a lot of things at rickys…i kinda miss it because im so used to going there but it is okay…i can not wait to see all the changes that will be done sometime soon…i also got paid for my efforts….happy to have money but time to put it in the bank to start saving up…i really want to start saving and have money and not always think of myself as being a broke college student….

Today….had a crazy drunk student in my class who had to be escorted out by the police…and then found out my class was cancelled that i stayed up doing a paper for…kind of sux but what can i do…then hung out with my friend and had a lunch date…came home rested and worked out and then went out for dinner….

i am confused…i wish you could just tell me if you are worth my time…i am happy to be talking to you but i hate how guys tend to lead you on and then end up hurting you….even though you are eight hours im willing to make it work because you are so special and we share a good bond of being able to talk about personal things together….please just let me know….we can still be friends if it does not work but i would just love to know if this means anything…it has been about a month since you aimed me wanting to catch up…please give me some sort of sign…i want to have text wars n phone calls but am shy to give out my number to you….guys need to stop leading girls on and just be upfront…we wont hate just please stop leading us on it is killing me….guys do not think of our feelings and then are like what i do not like you like that even when i lead you on and your heart is crushed…….

I am confused but excited. I have another new person to talk to. I met him a year ago and after that we only chatted fir a bit. And then about three weeks ago all of a sudden he aimed me and wanted to catch up on aim. Pretty neat and now we talk everyday. Even when he was studying for finals he wanted to talk to me and keep me company during my boring shift at work. He is so sweet but he is eight hours away in San Diego but originally is from the bay. He is too sweet and we have the best convos.

I am still trying to deal w the other one who ruined everything for us.

Life throws you curveballs but you somehow get through it and stand up for what is right. You meet certain people for a reason and even w ups and downs you address the issues as needed.

I am happy I look forward to every night when I get to talk to you late at night. I do nit know what this means but we are still getting to know eachother. I hope it works our. Ge us do sweet and nice. Even though he is eight hours away I still think he has potential.

Life is not easy it throws you challenges and you have to do what your heart tells you. Love is something that is not meant to be easy but instead is a rollercoaster.

I am happy and hope to stay happy !!! :))))))))))))))